10 years and 427 matches into a 31-year contract at Heart of Clachmaninshire and star striker Mungo McCrackas is beginning to feel the heat. Can Mungo score in their match against 73rd Lanark to give him his first goal ever?
It's half time at the 73rd Lanark/Clackers match and Mungo gets some much needed encouragement (and a lucky magnet) from club chairman Sir Roddy Bulbs. The magnet may now be stuck to a defenders head but can the talisman give Mungo the chance he needs to score?
Mungo's increasing number of missed opportunities become 73rd Lanark's gain, earning him the ire of Clachmaninshire mascot, 'Arry the Clacker. Thankfully, 73rd Lanark's honourable mascot interjects to save the reputation of mascots everywhere!
Following the game against 73rd Lanark, everyone seems to have found the weaknesses in the team; Mungo. Even actually joining in training rather than reading his favourite porno magazine, "Fannies" can't change the turning tide.
It's Heart of Clachmaninshire versus Old Boys Berne in Switzerland in the European Cup. Mungo starts, of course, and fires a powerful shot which just hits the crossbar, with unintended consequences.
It's half time and it looks like the Clackers may be out of Europe but the team soon grab a lifeline and just when it seems it's over all, Mungo unleashes his power shot; the Goblin Meat Puddinger.
After the distraction of that European tie, the Clackers board turn to the Mongo problem. They have a replacement lined up, a Japanese goal-scoring robot, but first they need to get Mungo, and his water-tight contract, out of the picture.
The Heart of Clachmaninshire squad intend to try and injure Mungo in order to make way for the Goalinator, but a man doesn't play in 429 consecutive games without some resilience. An alternate plan is quickly found, however.
With Mungo in England for contract talks with Sheffield Wensleydale, the Goalinator starts for Heart of Clachmaninshire in their game against Clachnacuddin Bruce Forsyth. Can the Goalinator get the job done and does he meet Scottish FA regulations?
Mungo returns! Having failed his medical, his transfer to Sheffield Wensleydale has fallen through. Manager Henny Jings tries to convince Mungo of the Goalinator's superiority but Mungo isn't about to back down.
It's man versus machine in a sudden-death penalty shoot-out to see who will start in the Clackers next game. Will Mungo finally score when all depends on it? Will Fleetwood MacAlbatross shave off his body hair and join a cult?
The night before a vital game against Edinburgh Fringe, Clackers manager Henny Jings relates the story of how he came to sign the young Mango McCrackas ten years prior and why there's a horse in the garage.
The Clackers could only manage a nil-all draw with Edinburgh Fringe and tempers are rising. Sir Roddy Bulbs steps in and finally pinpoints the reason behind Heart of Clachmaninshire's lacklustre results. Things are going to change a lot for Mungo now.
Caretaker Manager Mungo hires back Henny Jings as his assistant and then comes up with a plan; rehire the Goalinator. When problems arise, Mungo gets an ingenious plan B involving a fridge, a broom and a rake.
Two games left and it's vital for the Clackers to get a result against Glencoe Massacre today if they want to try and avoid relegation. Luckily, Mungo has just the perfect motivational gimmick up his sleeve.
Mungo takes a break to make an appearance on "A Question of Sport" but things take a turn for the melodramatic when Andy Townsend's heavily scripted ribbing crosses the line. Luckily, Clare Balding's mighty muscles are there to save the day.
It all comes down to the final game of the season and the Clackers need to beat rivals Twatshead Thistle to stay up. The Clackers put on pressure but fail to score, forcing Mungo to do the unthinkable; putting himself on to save the day. Can the gamble pay off?
Holiday Special Part 1Edit
It's the Summer of Mongo! The first of a series of pages from football periodical Substitute! gives us two cigarette cards; one of Clackers goalkeeper, Rob McGinty and one of Mungo himself, showing off his sole Scotland (B) cap.
Holiday Special Part 2Edit
Focus on... Pedro Rabies. Find out about the Spanish wingers likes, dislikes, his hatred for Denmark and discover his pain at missing on the 2008 Paralympics team.
Holiday Special Part 3Edit
At Home With The Stars with Dangerous Ducky Norton. Some fascinating photographs give an insight into the world of Heart of Clachmaninshire's reserve goalkeeper and his sculpting hobby.
Holiday Special Part 4Edit
Meet the Wife with Ted and Martha Grundies. A fascinating look into a photo shoot nearly gone wrong as poor Martha suffers a series of unfortunate accidents but bravely makes the shoot regardless. Ted would be proud.
Holiday Special Part 5Edit
Fleetwood MacAlbatross meets... Norbert Mauser. The former German international invites MacAlbatross into his home to discuss his playing and movie career but quickly ejects him, a regular occurrence.
Holiday Special Part 6Edit
Focus on... Mungo McCrackas. Discover Mungo's middle name (Gregory Peck), his weight (16st 7lbs) and his biggest disappointment in life. (Zerbas) As well as many more fascinating tidbits you just need to know!